Friday, February 26, 2016

I opened the door

This blog post is old, just saw that it had never been published. I think it is time:

I saw her with my eyes when I opened her bedroom door. The clothing she picked out in the morning that wasn't the same as she laid out at bedtime. A long skirt she had pulled up under her armpits and trying to tie the belt part around her neck like a strap. "YOU LOOKED AT ME!! YOU JERK!! YOU LOOKED I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK AT ME!!" I saw her because I had to get into the room to get clothes for sister. She knows that is not what she is supposed to wear. As the clothes sit on her desk she continues to get dressed.. she ended up putting on a shirt and looked appropriate. Now she will come home and face the problem of clothes need hung up. Problem? yeah this is a problem. She will stomp and yell and probably throw them across the room, until we no longer give her any attention at all. Then, if she wants to get out of her room the clothes will need to be hung up.. will she even get to the dinner table?

"soup kitchen" Its what "J" (her counselor) calls boring food. Nothing special: no desserts or extra snacks. Just food. For example while she is in "soup kitchen" she might get a plain meat/cheese sandwich, carrots and water. PB & J with sweet peas or green beans - and water to drink. I will never starve my child, she will always have enough food to eat. It doesn't always have to be exciting or yummylicious food that the rest of us might be having that day. For "A" there isn't much we can take away that she cares about. Food is one of the currency's that works. She hates it! NO SNACKS!! NO YOGURTS!! NO FLAVORED WATER!! You would think we just killed her kitten as much of a fit she throws. 

Because this morning she had a blow up and called me names, this week she slapped me, pushed"R" so she ran  into the washer, stomped and screamed at me again and again, as well as beat her head on the wall, throw things ... etc. Because it was a rough week we will say, she has soup kitchen tonight. no fun for anyone!! 

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Just "getting by"

About special needs kids, I have two of them. I would not trade them for anyone else's kids ever. The days are long in the summer and short in the fall. The thing is.. it is hard. Not just hard but sometimes seems impossible, unreal and surreal. People who have "regular kids" have a tricky time understanding us. "Unbelievable. I've never heard of that. How did that happen? Its hereditary? That is so scary! How can they go to regular school and church? Why don't I see that behavior? How could you call the police on your children? How do you do it?" So many questions and I'm proud to say, I do have the answers. We have spent over 6 years doing almost nothing but dealing with mine and my children's mental health disease - I can confidently say I've learned some things. No - I would never claim to know everything!! Just that I do know my kids, my kids' needs and my needs. 

In order for this family to function properly so many things need to be done every single day. We have an entire team on our side who help us. I can list just a few - but many more are "silent partners" you could say. Only by the grace of God we have an amazing psych doctor on our side who sees us for who we are and understands everything in and outside of our situation. She has fought for us with insurance battles, called me while out of state on vacation, lets me call her cell phone anytime day or night, researched our genetic testing so thoroughly that we have information that will help them in adulthood. Families Care - a parent advocate who helps us get the services we need at school, we have friends, patient leaders at church and at camp who handle our kids with such grace, babysitters, respite care, health insurance...MST therapy, other therapists and people who know exactly what I need when I say "can you come over RIGHT NOW" and its not really a question.. lol... okay I'm can get carried away so I won't start naming people but you know who you are. 

The point is, we are getting by. We are not perfect, not doing everything right but we are fighting for our kids. We as parents are our kids best (and sadly sometimes only) advocate. I remember starting out with my mental health battle.. asking for help or even dealing with it was so out of the question. It broke me, and it shattered my pride when I had to take medication for the first time, go to the hospital for the first time, and admit "I'm broken". I am by no means fixed but what's amazing is that God is repairing me and repairing my family. I've seen it so many times over just a couple years. It makes me praise Him everyday for making it through another day - for just getting by. When we finally asked for and got the help we have needed, (that is relevant and available that is) its amazing what happens when you just give up in a way and say "God I need help" He really can give it to you... just open your heart and mind. We did and that's how we have made it thus far. 

I know, I know, life should be more than just "getting by" right? I tend to have a negative attitude, the upside to that is I know the difference between reality and faking it. I faked it for many years and it made me bitter and angry that nobody understood me. DUH!! If your silent how can anyone help you?? By "just getting by" I mean we have all our needs met - we don't always have a lot of extras and we are okay with that. So I may speak the truth and most people don't like it, well I'm tired of faking. 

If you get to know me you can soon find that my Faith is strong. I know that God is carrying me, and molding me into His servant. I know God has given himself to me in the form of people, their deeds, and the bible. I know that God has saved a place; a reward for me in Heaven. He is not asking us to be spectacular or amazing, delirious with joy or successful all of the time. He is asking us to be real -sometimes that means suffering is in order. Humility is in order. When we have sinned most of us feel shamed, embarrassed, sad, scared and many other unpleasant feelings. Its the Holy Spirit talking! We need to stop and listen. Truth is: WE ALL SIN, EVERYDAY! So it's natural to feel a little bad, earth is not as good as it gets for us believers!

Do me a favor friends... Next time you think I've got a bad attitude, or I'm too negative or any of the other "advice" stuff you say:  I'm just keeping it real. There are so many amazing, bountiful, wonderful gifts God gives us everyday..  I choose to praise HIM for that - not the people around me. I am constantly thanking God for the blessings all around us. Don't think I don't see it because I certainly do. No facebook post is going to define what my entire life is about. Check out a book I learned a LOT from: "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp @

 Need some proof? here ya go, some truths breathed from the God of the universe Himself:

Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be
Job 8:7 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 
Matthew 5:4

Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life
John 12:25

You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. 
Psalm 16:11

Just "getting by" in this world, to me is awesome.  

Learn something new everyday.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

What happens to May?

It is May. Time to look past the summer and ahead to the next school year. The planning and registering and touring new schools starts already. I can see why - summer does spin by pretty fast. Unfortunately it seems May gets "skipped". End of year recitals, programs, school projects and more take over and consume the entire month. Its like I blink and its June!

Personally I get my kids summer schedules put together before May starts. I get them registered for camps, library programs, swim lessons, dentist, Dr checkups and even plan little vacations! We start saving in February to pay for everything, (including pool passes).  I have found that if I wait - then its the first or 2nd week in June before we decide what to do all summer. By then, things are full, money is gone, & I've just gotten lazy. 

 Reality is: this week I will register one girl for middle school, & one for 3rd grade. I feel.... a little sick to my stomach. I'm finding that I can't control everything in their lives. My desire is to control EVERYTHING.

 What I've learned about giving up control:
1. it is hard
2. it is necessary
3. it is a relief
4. it is scary

Its a relief. Yep, when we allow God to take all control of our lives (which he has anyway) its a relief, a weight off the shoulders. Its a promise to us that God has everything in his hands and we need to step out of the way and just pray. Pray to let Him know we are on His side, that whatever is in the plan, we will roll with it!

Friday, May 2, 2014

true story of how God teaches me lessons on greed and materialism: I was making banana bread this AM - complaining to Tom how I need a Kitchen Aid Mixer because mine dosen't have enough power... etc.. and I fell in love with a teal one I saw the other day for only $395.00. (which just happens to be one of the colors im painting my utility room) He said "when you use this one enough to burn it up t...hen I will get you one" Ok, so now Im thinking - awesome Im going to bake EVERY DAY!! So - as Im mixing the dough I hit the "power boost" (button the Tom reminded me of that I've never used) the mixer starts jumping around and the batter flies all over my kitchen, took 15 mins to clean everything! So my lesson on materialism: use what you have, it IS good enough, don't let marketing, society and fancy colors make you believe you need MORE!

"The greedy bring ruin to their households, but the one who hates bribes will live." -Proverbs 15:26-28
Learn something new everyday.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

God and Pride

God is so powerful. The pride that is hidden in my heart gets forced out of me without me even knowing sometimes. Because of the Holy Spirit my mouth talks and my brain thinks - usually the things God wants me to say and do. I don't usually decide that stuff on my own. If it were up to me I'd never ask anyone for help. I'd be dedicating my life to everyone else but myself, adopting every child and pet on earth then probably neglecting them so I can go take care of my neighbor. Why is it so easy to take care of other's problems but when it comes to our own - ignorance is bliss. This way of thinking is natural for someone like me with a natural caregiver instinct. Its not the worst trait to have but is surely difficult to deal with.  Getting myself mentally prepared to go to UNMC with my Mom for some high dose of chemotherapy. I know it will be challenging (as this illness is anyway) but for my own piece of mind and for her sake, I know its worth it. The kids will stay with the other grandparents and Tom will stay home and work. praying.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Life is complicated. difficult even. I am learning through my spiritual journey that I am nothing but a speck - like the speck in the movie "Horton Hears a Who". Horton cared enough for that "speck" and believed in it - their was life in there. He did everything to make the others believe. Sometimes I feel like Im the speck and Jesus is the "horton". Jesus cared enough for me even though Im nothing... Im not deserving of the love and grace he has given me. But he believes in me and even died for me. Luckily the story didn't turn out that way for Horton - he stood his ground and eventually the truth was known. I pray that will happen for the non believers.. . I pray we all learn something from Horton. We can bring our loved ones, strangers and co-workers to believe in Jesus and what he did for us.. for every one of us. Friends, keep sharing the word, have faith. We were never promised this would be easy or comfortable but we are called to share the gospel. Our hearts should be overflowing with love for Jesus Christ - so much that we seem obsessed - almost crazy. I am so far from doing this the right way. I just know what Im supposed to do and so greatful for the people who really do it well. Im also very thankful for the people in my life that gave me the opportunity to know Jesus.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

School has started!! I am one of those mom's who enjoys sending my kids to school. I am not good at structure and they need it therefore Im so greatful someone else can provide it better than me!

So I went to Mexico the first week in Aug with the church. It was amazing! I learned a lot about myself and the different culture. Im very glad I went - and I would go again. Praise God for that opportunity, not just for me but for the entire team and the people we impacted while there!

Tom and I celebrated our 10 yr anniversary last weekend at SunnyBrook camp and floated down the river. It was a great time to get away. The kids stay with my parents and went to the state fair.

Im glad to be getting back into a daily routine - summer is challenging.
We are working on getting counseling for Avery. School is a particularly difficult time for her. I hope we can get her back on track in the 4th grade. Raven is loving 1st grade.

Learn something new everyday.