Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Have I mentioned I love french fries? Yep I do. And I don't plan on cutting them out forever.. changing the quantity I eat yes, for sure. Going without them for a period of time while I train myself to eat = difficult!

Last few weeks has been interesting, I took a fabulous trip with my cousin Julie, Jared, Lynn & Liz. Lots of surprises along the way from Vegas to Disney and two trips to the ocean!! What a whirlwind. Also we ate. We ate a lot of food. I learned a few things on the trip. 1. I can't eat like that. My body hated me and my shoes got too tight from swelling. 2. I am really out of shape. It takes being in decent shape to do all the fun things that I desire! 3. I'm taking that trip again after 100 pound weight loss! And this time i'm bringing my kids and i'm going to keep up with them! Whew!! That is a lot to say out loud. Leaving me pretty vulnerable. When? I don't know for sure but I'm counting on it.

Seem like a pretty hefty goal? Well I'm a pretty hefty gal with a lot to lose so...I'm doing what I can to make it happen, when? I don't have that answer but y'all will know when it does because guaranteed I'll look different!

Here are a few favorite pics from my trip. I'm trying to get 600+ pictures narrowed down to maybe like 400.

trump tower

beach hair

this is where I belong


why was I born in the middle of         america? 

Thursday, June 21, 2018

To a new adventure - investment in my future.

Here is my first Blog post: I'm using the same blog I've always used because I don't need all kinds of blogs just hanging out on the web for no reason.. If you want to look at old posts feel free. This is going to be a safe place for me to start over - I may vent or cry or over eat - I'm just trying to make my life better and asking for people to come along side and pray for me during all of this. The destination is healthy not skinny. 
Here is my facebook post to kick it all off: 
My stomach turns as I typed and posted this so fast before I could chicken out. 

Ok Friends, I usually don't share a lot of big goals because - well fear of failure. I fail a lot as we all do- but I tend to personalize it and hate myself because of it. I am challenging myself to be transparent and humble in my efforts to lose weight. I'm starting a big journey. I don't want any diet advice, any pills or supplements - i'm working with a doctor, nutritionist and therapist. I'm not asking for advice.. but if you are willing to support me in my journey would you simply give me a "like". I'm going to be blogging about my journey and try not to bore anyone to death, but if you are on my team let me know so I can ask for your support and prayers and maybe some accountability. I'm fearful and teary writing this because I'm scared to fail.. again. But I know by the Grace of God I can do this. p.s. I'm going on a big vacation and I will not be eating perfect and I will be drinking a little too.. please don't judge. This didn't happen overnight and I will not lose weight overnight either. Its about behavior changes - long term. Baby steps and goal setting is where I am right now.

Friday, December 15, 2017

Raven was Brilliant

This morning on the way to school - Allie was saying her Mom threatened to send her to Boys Town. Avery and I explained to her what its like, since she has been to the one here in town. She explained how they make you do everything (chores) and ride their van to school etc.
I told her she needed to give her mom a break and stop acting out and being disrespectful. I explained how I felt as a Mom when both my girls were younger and Tom was always gone - I was overwhelmed and ready to give up.
Then: Raven was brilliant. Allie started talking about when her dad gets home from out of state (for four days) her Mom is going to tell him she was bad. She got her phone taken away too. Raven proceeded to tell her that maybe she can earn it back by being good the rest of the time. In her sweet yet authoritative voice she quietly said "Its your choice, you can turn around your attitude right now and when your Dad comes home your Mom could say - "she was naughty a couple times BUT turned it around and has been good the whole rest of the time" or you're Mom can say "Allie was naughty the whole time."  I praised Raven for putting into perspective what I've been trying to teach her.. she is listening!
What a gift to hear my child teaching another child the exact things I'm trying to teach her. Very proud mama moment!
Sometimes we find out what we are working so hard for, is happening right before our eyes. We have to appreciate and recognize it. Only by the Grace of God. I know He has a plan for us and this little conversation is just more proof.

Friday, September 1, 2017

A few updated pictures of the family! Raven 6th and A in 9th!


Learn something new everyday.








Friday, February 26, 2016

I opened the door

This blog post is old, just saw that it had never been published. I think it is time:

I saw her with my eyes when I opened her bedroom door. The clothing she picked out in the morning that wasn't the same as she laid out at bedtime. A long skirt she had pulled up under her armpits and trying to tie the belt part around her neck like a strap. "YOU LOOKED AT ME!! YOU JERK!! YOU LOOKED I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK AT ME!!" I saw her because I had to get into the room to get clothes for sister. She knows that is not what she is supposed to wear. As the clothes sit on her desk she continues to get dressed.. she ended up putting on a shirt and looked appropriate. Now she will come home and face the problem of clothes need hung up. Problem? yeah this is a problem. She will stomp and yell and probably throw them across the room, until we no longer give her any attention at all. Then, if she wants to get out of her room the clothes will need to be hung up.. will she even get to the dinner table?

"soup kitchen" Its what "J" (her counselor) calls boring food. Nothing special: no desserts or extra snacks. Just food. For example while she is in "soup kitchen" she might get a plain meat/cheese sandwich, carrots and water. PB & J with sweet peas or green beans - and water to drink. I will never starve my child, she will always have enough food to eat. It doesn't always have to be exciting or yummylicious food that the rest of us might be having that day. For "A" there isn't much we can take away that she cares about. Food is one of the currency's that works. She hates it! NO SNACKS!! NO YOGURTS!! NO FLAVORED WATER!! You would think we just killed her kitten as much of a fit she throws. 

Because this morning she had a blow up and called me names, this week she slapped me, pushed"R" so she ran  into the washer, stomped and screamed at me again and again, as well as beat her head on the wall, throw things ... etc. Because it was a rough week we will say, she has soup kitchen tonight. no fun for anyone!! 

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Just "getting by"

About special needs kids, I have two of them. I would not trade them for anyone else's kids ever. The days are long in the summer and short in the fall. The thing is.. it is hard. Not just hard but sometimes seems impossible, unreal and surreal. People who have "regular kids" have a tricky time understanding us. "Unbelievable. I've never heard of that. How did that happen? Its hereditary? That is so scary! How can they go to regular school and church? Why don't I see that behavior? How could you call the police on your children? How do you do it?" So many questions and I'm proud to say, I do have the answers. We have spent over 6 years doing almost nothing but dealing with mine and my children's mental health disease - I can confidently say I've learned some things. No - I would never claim to know everything!! Just that I do know my kids, my kids' needs and my needs. 

In order for this family to function properly so many things need to be done every single day. We have an entire team on our side who help us. I can list just a few - but many more are "silent partners" you could say. Only by the grace of God we have an amazing psych doctor on our side who sees us for who we are and understands everything in and outside of our situation. She has fought for us with insurance battles, called me while out of state on vacation, lets me call her cell phone anytime day or night, researched our genetic testing so thoroughly that we have information that will help them in adulthood. Families Care - a parent advocate who helps us get the services we need at school, we have friends, patient leaders at church and at camp who handle our kids with such grace, babysitters, respite care, health insurance...MST therapy, other therapists and people who know exactly what I need when I say "can you come over RIGHT NOW" and its not really a question.. lol... okay I'm can get carried away so I won't start naming people but you know who you are. 

The point is, we are getting by. We are not perfect, not doing everything right but we are fighting for our kids. We as parents are our kids best (and sadly sometimes only) advocate. I remember starting out with my mental health battle.. asking for help or even dealing with it was so out of the question. It broke me, and it shattered my pride when I had to take medication for the first time, go to the hospital for the first time, and admit "I'm broken". I am by no means fixed but what's amazing is that God is repairing me and repairing my family. I've seen it so many times over just a couple years. It makes me praise Him everyday for making it through another day - for just getting by. When we finally asked for and got the help we have needed, (that is relevant and available that is) its amazing what happens when you just give up in a way and say "God I need help" He really can give it to you... just open your heart and mind. We did and that's how we have made it thus far. 

I know, I know, life should be more than just "getting by" right? I tend to have a negative attitude, the upside to that is I know the difference between reality and faking it. I faked it for many years and it made me bitter and angry that nobody understood me. DUH!! If your silent how can anyone help you?? By "just getting by" I mean we have all our needs met - we don't always have a lot of extras and we are okay with that. So I may speak the truth and most people don't like it, well I'm tired of faking. 

If you get to know me you can soon find that my Faith is strong. I know that God is carrying me, and molding me into His servant. I know God has given himself to me in the form of people, their deeds, and the bible. I know that God has saved a place; a reward for me in Heaven. He is not asking us to be spectacular or amazing, delirious with joy or successful all of the time. He is asking us to be real -sometimes that means suffering is in order. Humility is in order. When we have sinned most of us feel shamed, embarrassed, sad, scared and many other unpleasant feelings. Its the Holy Spirit talking! We need to stop and listen. Truth is: WE ALL SIN, EVERYDAY! So it's natural to feel a little bad, earth is not as good as it gets for us believers!

Do me a favor friends... Next time you think I've got a bad attitude, or I'm too negative or any of the other "advice" stuff you say:  I'm just keeping it real. There are so many amazing, bountiful, wonderful gifts God gives us everyday..  I choose to praise HIM for that - not the people around me. I am constantly thanking God for the blessings all around us. Don't think I don't see it because I certainly do. No facebook post is going to define what my entire life is about. Check out a book I learned a LOT from: "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp @ www.aholyexperience.com

 Need some proof? here ya go, some truths breathed from the God of the universe Himself:

Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be
Job 8:7 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 
Matthew 5:4

Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life
John 12:25

You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. 
Psalm 16:11

Just "getting by" in this world, to me is awesome.  


Learn something new everyday.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

What happens to May?

It is May. Time to look past the summer and ahead to the next school year. The planning and registering and touring new schools starts already. I can see why - summer does spin by pretty fast. Unfortunately it seems May gets "skipped". End of year recitals, programs, school projects and more take over and consume the entire month. Its like I blink and its June!

Personally I get my kids summer schedules put together before May starts. I get them registered for camps, library programs, swim lessons, dentist, Dr checkups and even plan little vacations! We start saving in February to pay for everything, (including pool passes).  I have found that if I wait - then its the first or 2nd week in June before we decide what to do all summer. By then, things are full, money is gone, & I've just gotten lazy. 

 Reality is: this week I will register one girl for middle school, & one for 3rd grade. I feel.... a little sick to my stomach. I'm finding that I can't control everything in their lives. My desire is to control EVERYTHING.

 What I've learned about giving up control:
1. it is hard
2. it is necessary
3. it is a relief
4. it is scary

Its a relief. Yep, when we allow God to take all control of our lives (which he has anyway) its a relief, a weight off the shoulders. Its a promise to us that God has everything in his hands and we need to step out of the way and just pray. Pray to let Him know we are on His side, that whatever is in the plan, we will roll with it!

Have I mentioned I love french fries? Yep I do. And I don't plan on cutting them out forever.. changing the quantity I eat yes, for sure...